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The von Willebrand Legacy - Tome 1-1 (Scored)

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The von Willebrand Legacy - Tome 1-1 (Scored)

PostPosted by Proteus » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:48 pm

Hey, I'm Proteus. I bring to you my attempt at a scored legacy challenge.

Chapter 0:Introductory`

Tome 1 - Ridley von Willebrand
Chapter 1: Blinding Lights :s_whiteflag

Any suggestions/criticism are accepted and appreciated.
Last edited by Proteus on Thu Apr 05, 2012 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by Suteshi » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:59 pm

I have read your introductory and find it interesting. The writing is a little hard to read, but I managed to decipher it (the closed in letters with the font style made it a little hard, though there was a slide with the verdana- if that's what it's called -font, which was easy to read, so I reccommend you try using that one :biggrin: ).

I'm interested in how you've started this, and would like to see how his pet factors into the equation, and how Kayleigh ends up in the story (eating from his fridge?! Lol, I guess using the toilet at a strangers house wasn't weird enough!)
When I get a picture, I'll totes be into the picture zone! Until then, check it out!
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by BigLenny » Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:49 am

Hi! I'm glad I give this legacy a try.

Spoiler:
I love your intro and writing style. It's so well-written that I can understand clearly what they say.

Playing for points with handicaps while telling a plotty story? That's so brave of you! I wish you luck on that.

Anyway, keep up the good work!
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by Pony » Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:54 pm

Spoiler:
Oh a legacy for points, you don't see those often anymore. I love the storyline, it reminds me of Shawshank Redemption. I can't wait for more.
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by Thai » Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:11 pm

Woah a legacy for points. xD Like Pony said, you don't see those much anymore.
Spoiler:
I like it. The storyline is really interesting. I only saw one real mistake on the last slide, but it was probably a typo. Interleaving should be interweaving. But other than that, it's grammatically correct through and through, at least from what I saw. :D I'm interested as to how his business, the cat and Kayleigh will affect the plot. ^^ I applaud you for both doing a plot and scoring, they're difficult. :P
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by Proteus » Thu Jan 19, 2012 2:09 pm

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

Suteshi

The font's the same in all slides, the size is different though, I'll try messing around with it to make it easier to read.

Big Lenny

It's not that hard, shooting in a separate neighborhood makes everything easier even if you don't play for a score. I'm glad you like my writing style.

Pony

I've never read/watched? Shawnshark Redemption, anything similar is mere coincidence I swear :o

Thai

Typo fixed, thanks for showing it to me.
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by SimSimity » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:22 am

Nice work. :)
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by rubysapphire » Fri Jan 20, 2012 6:01 pm

Your legacy is freakin' awesome and you MUST continue! lol My ex boyfriend and the cat share the same name. :D We still get along so it's not a bad thing xD
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by Bagel » Sun Feb 19, 2012 12:52 am

Congrats on being nominated! You've got a great thing going on here, too bad it hasn't been updated in forever and a day. Is your founder named Ridley because of Metroid-fame Ridley or was that something else you had in mind? Also, von Willebrand sounds familiar, almost like a certain factor of some kind?

I really hope I can read more of this soon, great going.

P.s. I really can't understand why nobody else reads this, it's one of the few things that can be considered a story from people in the new forums.
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by AliMonet » Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:51 am

I loved it from the first slide! It really caught my attention. Makes me want to add more dialogue to my legacy. I will definitely be following your legacy :]
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Chapter 0 (Scored)

PostPosted by Proteus » Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:33 pm

I've been a bit overloaded with college so I've been writing in bursts. I'm finally done with it so shooting should happen next weekend and I'll hopefully update before vacation.

Thanks to everyone for reading!
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Tome 1-1 (Scored)

PostPosted by Proteus » Thu Apr 05, 2012 10:43 pm

Hey everyone! I apologize for the short delay but here's my new and totally not rushed first chapter. Feel free to bash or praise however you want.

Chapter 1
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Re: The von Willebrand Legacy - Tome 1-1 (Scored)

PostPosted by BigLenny » Fri Apr 06, 2012 2:34 am

Hey! Nice to see that you finally got an update.

Spoiler:
Wow! Sounds like Shari’s having a hard time what with her sister having cancer and all. At least there’s Ridley (and Jaguar) to keep her company. Sounds like what Dawson said about Ridley being the flirty one is right after all. :lol: Oh, and glad Dawson got out of jail due to a combo of good behavior and the chief’s death.

Nice to hear that Kayleigh isn’t just any average girl. I’m glad you gave her some background and such. I’m impressed to see where it’s going.

Well, good luck on the businesses and your life in general. I see what you mean.
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